Judges: Western Amy, ISamuel, pattybar
Deadline: 6pm Wed
Resolution: I Would Do Anything for Love But I Won’t Do That
Judges: Western Amy, ISamuel, pattybar
Deadline: 6pm Wed
Resolution: I Would Do Anything for Love But I Won’t Do That
Cute, Jed. Very cute.
I held your hand when you threw up in the simulator!
First, thanks to Ian Samuel for being a wuss and not calling me out so I could have this round now.
But let?s get to the really important issues in life.
Computer strategy games that involve bloody battles between human and alien.
Oh, that?s right, fans, it?s the Starcraft round.
Let?s dispense with the link. In a fairly unusual debate development, I, the Prime Minister, do in fact love the Leader of the Opposition. In fact, ?I would do anything for love,?- moving to Chicago, teaching him Mexican cooking, and giving him case ideas are among them. But there?s one thing I won?t do: disparage the coolness of the Terran race in one of the great alien-killing games of all time: Starcraft.
That?s my link. If you argue with it, I?m calling John Meany and telling on you. Moving on.
The proposition in this case has one simple thing to prove: When playing Starcraft, the best race to play as is Terran. The opposition has to pick one of the other races- Protoss or Zerg- and argue that it?s the best. ?Best? can have a variety of criteria- most likely to win, most fun, coolest looking, whatever. Weighing these variables will be our responsibility. Got it? Good.
First, some background for our esteemed ?Starcraft-lay? judges. Starcraft is an extremely cool computer game that involves playing as one of three races- Terran, Protoss, and Zerg. Terrans are basically humans. Protoss are sort of techno-aliens. And Zergs are sort of creepy monster-aliens. Each player must gather money (minerals and gas), construct many different buildings that allow different fighting units to be made or powers to be upgraded, defend their base, and fight and destroy the enemy. Each race has different buildings, units, powers, and strengths and weaknesses. But only one can be the best. And in this three-way battle for racial supremacy, you will agree that the Terrans prevail.
Terran offense is good, but not superlative. Regardless, four considerations tip the balance in their favor.
Terrans have defense like no other. They?re like Amy fending off debate guys at a tournament. And remember, folks- offense wins games, but defense wins championships. Nonsensical? Maybe. But as I was saying, Terran base defense is far superior to Protoss and Zerg.
With Terrans, you can choke off the entrance to your base with three things: First, Bunkers full of Marines that hit air and ground. Second, Missile Turrets that shoot at air units and detect invisible ?cloaked? units. Third and most importantly, kickass Siege Tanks that do severe damage to all rushing ground units. A choke point full of these three elements is impassable unless you have ridiculous numbers of guys.
By comparison, Zerg base defense is just lame Sunken Colonies that cut at your units and penis-shaped Spore Colonies that lob green balls at your air guys. Protoss base defense is basically just Photon Cannons that shoot at air and ground, but have low hit points and can be taken out pretty easily. Offensive Siege Tanks with an entourage of Marines take both defenses out like butta. Butta, I tell you.
Terran defense allows you to withstand most attacks and keep building up for your eventual destruction of the enemy. This is good. Or in the words of the giant bug that set Quahog, RI on fire in Family Guy: ?Goooood.?
Genocide and dehumanization suck, right? Well, guess what sucks almost as much: building expensive buildings and upgraded units, only to have them explode, die and waste your money. Terrans have all of this under control.
The basic Terran worker, the SCV, is cool enough that he can repair damaged buildings and damaged mechanical units (like airships, tanks, etc.) You could get a major hit on a buff Battlecruiser and restore him up to killing shape in seconds. Your fighter-producing Barracks could be in flames and you could save it from eventual implosion. Huge money saver and defense buffer. Damaged Protoss and Zerg units/buildings have to wait to heal slowly over time, one hit point every couple of seconds. Very bad if you?re still getting attacked.
Equally cool are the Medics that accompany your fighting men- Marines and Firebats- into battle. The Medics use their energy to heal them while they?re getting attacked, making very cheap-to-produce units incredibly durable. Zergs and Protoss just don?t have anything this cost-effective to keep their guys alive.
Finally, flying buildings kick ass. Terran buildings can lift off the ground if ground-only units are attacking, totally saving them, or they can fly over water where they can?t be reached, or they can fly to another safe spot, touch down, and continue production. This saves costly operations. Zergs and Protoss are sadly rooted to the ground.
3. Entertainment Value
Here?s where it gets fun. Terrans are by far the coolest race to play because they freakin talk to you. If you click on them enough, they?re smart-ass little comedians. Where a Zerg Mutalisk would be saying ?Mraaaaak!,? A Terran Battlecruiser would say, ?I really have to go…number one!? Where a Protoss Corsair is saying ?Breeeeenk!,? a Terran Science Vessel is saying ?Eck, who let all these lab monkeys free?? Every Terran unit has four or five amusing little phrases. Go individuality! Go humans!
Protoss units talk occassionally, but two considerations. One, their phrases are way boring. Two, when Protoss die, they whiff into blue warp air, instead of a proper blood spatter that fades away like the other two races! Terrrans are obviously cooler to watch and listen to, and therefore more fun to play with.
4. Nuclear War Gooooood
That?s right, Terrans nuke stuff, and it kicks ass. Let?s be clear- I?m AGAINST nuking other countries. But bases full of aliens- Drop the bomb, baby! Terrans can build nuclear silos, send cloaked guys over, and nuke the enemy into oblivion. (well, where the bomb hits.) The awesome factor is undeniable. Dan might tell you about powers the other races have…blah blah Psionic Storm blah blah Broodling. Obscure and lame. We can all appreciate a good nuclear bomb, Speakers.
This is every debater?s secret dream- you get to vote FOR nuclear war! If nothing else, Ian, Amy, Patty- nuke the aliens before they come for us.
And on that note, I will propose.
You’re telling me it’s cooler to watch a marine die, which we can do every night on the news, than it is to watch an alien vanish in a poof of blue warpness, which only happens, like, once a month here?
Would you like to learn the secrets of time travel?
Remind me why it’s necessary to use SCVs to repair hurt buildings as Terran. It’s because they self-destruct when hurt, isn’t it. ISN’T IT?!?!?!?!?
Isn’t your position anthropromorphadoodledoodledumdumgiggitygiggitygiggitycentric? Yeah, that’s right. Screw you, Jed.
What do all these buttons do?
For this round, are you thinking about playing the computer, or other players? Because playing the computer is lame.
And so is making us debate each other.
I’m just saying.
Yes. Poofy warp makes me feel cheated out of the joy of alien death. Especially when I kill like 20 of them and there should be a huge fading ring of blood to mark my victory. Your liberal anti-Bush misdirection won’t get you out of this.
Sure. E=mc…d’oh, let me get my notepad.
Don’t yell at me. You keep pushing it, boy…and I’ll scrap you along with the aliens.
Yeah, so? I’m too young and cute to die. Didn’t you see Independence Day? Ask Jeff Goldblum. It’s us or them, man. God bless America.
I don’t know, but if it weren’t for these damned neural implants you’d be a smoldering crater by now
YOU play the computer like every day, so I guess YOU’RE lame. OH, DAMN!
and, whatever, I don’t think it matters.
I just want to say how painful it is to cut stuff out of this speech.
I am MORE than willing to throw down on the Protoss side of this. Overall, there?s no question that Protoss is better than Terran. I mean no disrespect to Zerg, who are also probably better than Terran, but Protoss just kicks SO much ass.
?Dropping? is one of the best attacks in the game; you pick up guys in flying transport units and drop them behind enemy defenses. Terrans can only drop in dinky Dropships, which have only 150 hit points and are killed easily. Protoss Arbiters have 400 hit points, and can teleport about 20 units. TWENTY!!! If your Arbiter dies, you don?t lose the units, because they weren?t in the Arbiter, like they are with a Dropship. And when the units get teleported in, they become invisible (any Protoss units around an Arbiter become invisible). This is a better advantage than anything Andrea comes up with, because it eviscerates an opponent to drop 20 strong invisible units inside their base.
The Dark Archon can Mind Control other units, stealing them from opponents. You?re attacking me with tanks? I use four Dark Archons, and now I have four of them. This is a great way to foil an attack. But the BEST thing about it is that if you Mind Control an SCV ? not too hard if you?re killing a colony – you get to build a Command Center and play as Terran, TOO. This means that any power the Terrans (or Zerg) have, you can copy, including nukes. Plus, you get 200 additional supply. So where Terran are limited to 200 supply, Protoss can go up to 400. This is a huge advantage, because you can attack with more units than they have to defend with.
Protoss rules offense. The Zealot and Dragoon are majorly powerful. A Zealot wins a fight between it and four Marines. Nothing stands in the way of a flood of Protoss warriors. They can also be produced much more quickly than an equal strength of marines and medics, so that when the big wars really start, the strongest units are also the quickest to reappear for second and third waves, ensuring victory.
Terran Defense looks good, but it?s vulnerable. You can send some flying units in on suicide missions to kill the one or two Missile Turrets, and then have invisible Dark Templar walk up and kill the tanks. This works incredibly well. Second, tanks only do half-damage to small units, which include Zealots, and Zealots can run between the buildings to either go after the tanks first or just run straight through the defense and attack the heart of the base. If any decent number of Zealots run up to Terran defense, they?ll win, especially with some Dark Templar mixed in.
Protoss defense has Photon Cannons, which are the best autodefense. They?re the only autodefense that can attack both air and ground, and they detect invisible units.
But for the best defense, you need High Templar, which have a power called Psionic Storm. It?s a brain fry that does 125 damage to anything within its range, and lasts for about 3 seconds. This kills almost all the terran ground units, including near-instantaneous death to marines and medics. Against a Terran attack, just bring your Templar to the front lines, Psistorm a few times, and the attack is almost gone. It works just as well offensively, too. And dropping some Templar off by your opponent?s minerals lets you fry all their mineral-gatherers, killing their resource flow.
Speaking of wimps: if a Terran building is brought to a third of its hit points, it starts burning down on its own, and will eventually blow up. No other race has this problem. And if you?re at the point where you?re making your buildings fly away, you?re probably dead, anyway.
Fast build: The Protoss builder, the Probe, can start up a building and then walk away. With the Terrans, an SCV has to stay there until the building?s finished. This makes a big difference at the beginning, where a Probe can build and go get minerals. Also, when you?re making a lot of buildings at once ? maybe you want to make six Gateways at once to start mass-producing Dragoons ? the Protoss don?t need six freakin? builder units to do it. This is also a great advantage for colonization, because one Probe can start the nexus and then make a bunch of pylons and photon cannons to protect it. Terrans are much slower.
Upgrading: The Protoss buildings actually get stronger when you upgrade your units, because they share the shield upgrade. The Terran buildings don?t do this, which is why they need to run away.
Andrea?s forgetting the two most important parts of entertainment value: winning and trash talking. When you?re playing online, you can?t talk trash when you?re getting your ass kicked, and Protoss are just better. Second, it sucks a lot to lose, especially after talking trash. When you win, you get the adrenaline rush and avoid feeling like crap.
There?s no opportunity to listen to the Terran sayings in a competitive game, because you have to click on the same unit five times in a row to hear the funny stuff, and you?re playing a game! Being Terran means you get distracted by the silly sayings while I run 36 Zealots into your base, leading to loss and not fun.
How pretty is the blue warp? It?s such an awesome death effect; way better than blood. But the BIG turn here is the Dragoon, which collapses into a mess of blue goo and metal legs. Easily the coolest death in the game.
First, I capture this with Mind Control. Second, Nuclear Missile is WAY up the tech tree, and requires trading off with both Battlecruisers and ComSat stations, necessary to fight Carriers and detect invisible Dark Templar. But third, I have cool things on my side, too. Invisibility? Teleportation? MIND CONTROL? Finally, you can vote for nuclear war any round you want to, but you?ll never be able to vote Protoss again.
Vote for it here.
WHAT is your major malfunction?
You want a piece of me, boy?
If your Protoss boys are such mind-control wizards, what number am I thinking of right now?
You tryin’ to get invited to my next barbecue?
5a. Got any questions about propane?
5b. …Or propane accessories?
I burp out of my ears, and I’ll THANK you not to point that out.
ANSWER CENSORED BY ADMINISTRATORS FOR DECENCY
Sadly, I’m not Protoss. And I regret it every day…
Unless you’re making veggie dogs, get thee hence.
5a) Yes, dozens. Why does it burn better than coal? Please answer this in your next speech.
5b) Uhh… pass.
I’m writing a motion to exclude child hearsay; I need the computer. The MG’ll be up tomorrow.
I would like to thank the panel, the opposition, and all the ridiculous dramatic debaters from whom I stole elements of this speech. (Find all ten for a prize!)
Dan is a huge exaggerator, misinterpret-er, AND he re-used already-worn socks this morning.
To wit, he claims one Zealot can kill 4 attacking Marines without dying. That?s the stupidest thing I?ve ever heard. Dan is clearly delusional about how awesome his beloved Protoss are. Maybe he?s been playing with the ?power overwhelming? cheat code on again. (oh, harsh!)
As you can probably tell from comparing the two speeches, the makers of Starcraft purposely made the races to be almost equal- the Probe jump-starting buildings and walking away is balanced by the SCV repairing hurt buildings and units, etc. So instead of bothering with a strict flow, I?m going to summarize reasons why Dan is already losing this debate, then summarize the technical arguments. It might relate to the original criteria and it might not. What-ever!
Dan is frontin? like Pharrell Williams*.
Look at his whole Entertainment response. Whatever, Dan doesn?t ever talk trash, because he?s too busy practicing for being an equivocating politician, and more importantly, he doesn?t even play online! The other day Ian was like, ?Let?s play Zerg v. Protoss? and Dan was like, ?Um, oops, my CD won?t load.? SUUUURE! Is this the guy you want to vote for? Plus, around the apartment he frequently says TERRAN stuff like ?fire it up? and ?who let all these lab monkeys free?? because he knows those are way cooler. The only Protoss thing we ever say is ?construct additional pylons,? mostly because that?s so silly-sounding.
ANYWAY, I didn?t say we?re only talking about playing online, just in general. Individuality and amusement among Terrans is still winning points.
Dan hates women.
In the Teleportation argument, Dan forgets to tell you that Dropships are piloted by the women of the Terran Air Force. (Women also fly the Valkyrie fighter, serve as Medics, and appear as a Ghost fighter in the missions.) Clearly, Dan is so against women in combat that he has to secretly denigrate them. Reward the integrated Terrans and drop Dan?s cryptonormative sexism.
Also, if you have good base defense, which Terrans are more likely to do, the Arbiter v. Dropship sneaking into your base is irrelevant, because your Missile Turrets will repel both.
Dan is a wimp who?s afraid of a real fight.
Protoss have more special powers than the other races that their psychic units unleash from afar. Terrans have the balls ? OR ovaries, thank you ? to get in there and fight for real. Dan?s philosophy is ?what about the Protoss voters, we can?t have too many casualties on the news, I?ll hide out with my High Templars.? Terrans are like Randy Quaid in Independence Day- ready to die to take out the alien menace. Wimpy Protoss deaths + overreliance on special powers = WEAK.
Dan is an evil dictator instead of a man of the people.
The Terran society is a far more just one. Not only do they have women in the military, you notice their unit speech includes lots of questions, even if they?re stupid questions. This is because there is room for dissent and democratic exchange in the Terran world, as opposed to Protoss, who mostly grunt battle cries and have a caste system. Habermas Foucault Derrida Chomsky Levinas. Endorse micro-political action, play Terran.
More importantly, mind control isn?t cool! Hasn?t Matt Contreras ever told you dehumanization is worse than death? Terrans fight you honorably and straight up- even if you?re getting nuked, you get a five-second warning it?s coming. Protoss steal you, beat you, and take naked pictures of you wearing a leash until you get Stockholm Syndrome and turn to their side. FOR SHAME! Dan wants us to live in a world where Ashcroft and Rumsfeld merge to form a Secretary of Dark Archonness and mind control dissenters! Patty, come on, who?s fighting a more just war? Terrans!
Dan has lame judgment.
Did he seriously say the Dragoon is the coolest death in the game? Just two days ago he agreed with me that the Ultralisk, a Zerg alien-elephant-monster, has the coolest death- there?s like a slab of ribs sticking out of the blood for a minute! How can you trust anything this man says? Plus, even if the Dragoon is okay, it?s only one unit. The rest of the Protoss still die cheap blue warp deaths, which are weak no matter what he says.
So, underview on the major arguments:
Terran offense is still damn good. He?s lying about the Zealot, and misdirecting you about fast production- I could easily produce Zealot-strength Tanks and Goliaths just as fast.
Terran defense is still kickass. His Dark Templar situation is way lame, as no self-respecting Terran player would have only one or two Turrets and no Marine-filled Bunkers to ward off a few flying units. Plus, movable Science Vessels and the Comsat Station detect his precious Dark Templars.
He pretty much granted that Siege Tanks and Marines can take out Photon Cannons. Just because they hit air and ground doesn?t excuse them being way weak. Seriously, even your mom knows Terran base defense is superlative. Go ask her.
On Psi Storm, cross apply: the PMC pre-empt regarding ?blah blah blah? and nukes being cooler, plus the ?Dan is a wimp? argument. The rest of Terran defense outweighs.
Most of the maintenance stuff balances out, like with the offense. You could even give him a slight offensive edge so he feels better. Defense is a clear Terran advantage. Entertainment is a clear Terran advantage- lump the units? cool speech and the uncool death arguments.
And let?s not forget nuclear war. His three ?cool things? aren?t: invisibility is shared with Terrans (Wraiths and Ghosts go invisible); teleportation is aiite, but not happening with good defense; and mind control is evil and abusive and you want to vote against it. You?re not just voting for a team that?s risking a nuke war impact- that?s boring. You?re voting FOR decisive nuking of aliens- nuking that a) comes with honorable warnings, b)leaves no fallout, three-eyed fish, or deformed babies, and c) has an awesome mushroom cloud.
I love Dan, but he?s a frontin?, sexist, wussy, fascist, lame alien-lover. Vote Terran. Vote Dre.
This is because there is room for dissent and democratic exchange in the Terran world, as opposed to Protoss, who mostly grunt battle cries and have a caste system. Habermas Foucault Derrida Chomsky Levinas. Endorse micro-political action, play Terran.
It is going to be difficult for dan to post anything I enjoy reading as much as that paragraph.
That’s right, I’m posting in the round!
Hahaha? oh, Andrea. Not just funny, but funny-looking!
What you?re going to see here is a Shuttle-ful of turns and a clear showing that Protoss is a more successful race. You?re also going to see sly references to Family Guy, Ender?s Game, and our singing repertoire. (Yes, we have one.)
Room for dissent? I Call Bullshit. Ghosts have aggression inhibitors. Andrea even quotes a marine complaining about his neural implants that prevent him from acting freely. The Protoss fight for honor and survival (or didn?t Andrea mention that the Terrans are the colonists invading the Protoss homeworlds?); the Terrans must be pressed into service, no doubt forcing them into intensive therapy after they?re subdued by superior Protoss forces. Vote here to protect freedom.
Andrea secretly hates women. Why else champion a race where the women function in support roles? Medics can only help the men fight, and are clearly subordinate women; they?re young, nubile women, and one of their ?funny sayings? is ?Ready for your sponge bath?? Way to entrench gender roles there. Dropships only shuttle men to battle. Even Valkyries, since they?re only air-to-air, can?t destroy any buildings or hurt anything on the ground. The role of women in the Protoss culture is unclear, but the leader of the Dark Templar is the Matriach, Raszagal. Vote for the side that puts women at the top of leadership and doesn?t glorify their subjugation: Protoss. Or, if you don?t believe me, vote for me because I?m cryptonormative. How cool is that word?!?! You all wish you were cryptonormative about something.
Dan loves him some trash talk. This round?s about what you should play, not me, and so you KNOW you want to talk trash. Ian. (Who, by the way, I let know as SOON as I got Starcraft up and going again; I remember it well.) Andrea drops all the analysis here, including the turn which shows the quotes leading to less fun. Vote here because the Terran sayings make you lose, which, as noted before, SUCKS. Also vote here because Protoss are better, which makes you win, which often avoids losing, which helps entertainment. Hearing the sayings may be fun once, but trash talking and winning are cooler and go on forever.
Even if the Ultralisk death is awesome ? and of course it is ? the Dragoon death is also massively awesome, and better than any of the Terran units, which is the only issue here. She calls blue warpy goodness weak? all I can say is, if you saw someone die on the street, and they exploded in blue flames, that would be way cooler than seeing them bleed. Vote for the Burning Light of Protoss, and light my candle of blue flamy goodness.
Protoss are wimps? I don?t think so. The Protoss are so hardcore that one of their core fighter units, the Dragoon, has already been killed as a Zealot and placed in a robotic shell, floating in blue goo, to continue the fight. A Marine gets an ouchie and they have to run to be healed. WEAK. SAUCE. But if we?re talking about cajones, whose speech relies predominantly on DEFENSE?!?! The Protoss are a much more offense-oriented race, always ready for battle and not fortressing themselves up. Vote for aggression: vote Protoss.
Mind Control is Awesome. Andrea?s trying to have her nuclear waste and eat it too, here. Mind Control is bad ?because look what it means in the real world,? but nukes are good because we don?t get to use them in the real world? Incoherency! The flailings of the inferior Terran mind! Either nukes go away with Mind Control, or they both count. Mind Control is good in the game because it?s freakin? sweet, and because it has all the tremendous in-game advantages, like being able to foil attacks, steal other races? abilities (which mitigates all her advantages to a HUGE degree), and create an overwhelming numbers advantage. At the point where
On to the ?major arguments.?
There?s no misdirection or lying going on here about Protoss offensive prowess. I admit the Zealot would need the speed upgrade, but after that, it really can take out at least 3, and I?m pretty sure 4 marines. They?re just SO much stronger than the basic Terran units. And the Terrans simply can?t match the rate of production. Even if TANKS are a fair match, Zealots are created quicker and cost 50 minerals and 100 gas less each. If you?re producing 10 at a time, like a good Protoss player would, that?s a huge resource difference that strongly favors Protoss.
The teleportation drop argument is way undercovered. The huge hit point advantage (sorry, it?s only 350; my bad) over dropships gives them a much better chance of getting into the opposing person?s base, especially if Protoss Corsairs, another flying unit, cast a Disruption Web over the Turrets, rendering them impotent for 15-20 seconds and letting the Arbiter through, or if High Templar cast Hallucination, which makes two fake copies of the Arbiter that look like the real thing. But Missile Turrets, unless you have seven stacked on top of each other all around the perimeter of your base, will not be enough to stop something with 350 hit points, and then invisible hell breaks loose. This is an obliteration of Terrans, and a clear win for Protoss.
On Defense: Since Andrea doesn?t like wimps, I?m assuming she?s dropping her defense arguments. But if she doesn?t, she?s in huge trouble, because she?s got no answer to the swarming Zealots argument. I run right through the defenses, or I run up and kill the tanks, and it?s Game Over, Man, Game Over. Not that I don?t make an end run around defense by Arbiter-dropping, anyway, which is tremendously successful.
In any case, Protoss defense is better. Maybe some Cannons die, but you?re still never making it into my base so long as I have a few zealots, some dragoons, and a large supply of High Templar frying your ass into oblivion. Come what may, the Templar will boil its brain. The Zealot blind rush works just as well against offensive Tanks. And if those Cannons do die, I can warp five more in right away with my handy build-and-move Probe skillz. Terran can?t replace fallen parts of defense NEARLY as quickly.
No way maintenance just balances out. I can make colonies and defenses to those colonies way quicker, giving me more minerals and gas quicker, meaning I can make more units faster and kick Slimy ass better. I don?t need resources to heal my buildings, and a Shield Battery can do it instantly. Plus, my buildings actually become stronger as the game goes on and I upgrade my units. No way Terran buildings, which burn and have to run away (what was that about wimps again?) match up there.
On Nukes: Remember, anything she can do, I can do better because of Mind Control. Also, If Nukes aren?t evil, then Mind Control isn?t, either. And since you might be able to justify nuclear attacks in real life, but you?ll never be able to justify Mind Control, Mind Control?s the ability you need to vote for above everything else. Because of the way the Terran tech tree is constructed, nukes force you to trade off with the Battlecruisers and ComSats she?s pimped in other parts of the debate. Finally, teleportation is not just ?aiite,? Randy, it?s awesome, and it mows down everything in its path. (And when the hell are you going to be able to vote for teleportation in debate?)
Look, the round comes down to the question from the beginning: Which race should you play when playing Starcraft?
On Defense, Terran defense has been exposed as full of holes via the Zealot attack and the teleportation drop. There?s never been any counterargument to the kickass abilities of the high Templar and Dark Archon defensively, and the Photon Cannon is superior to the Missile Turret because it can fire at the ground, too.
On Offense, Protoss have the vastly superior units that can be pumped out significantly quicker. Terran offense has never been proven to do anything more than maybe kill a few Photon Cannons. The Teleportation Drop is a huge Protoss advantage on offense, instantly hollowing out a base and spelling out doom for mankind. Mind Control gives Protoss the abilities of all the other races, plus a huge numerical advantage.
Protoss buildings are sturdier and can be made significantly quicker. Protoss gather minerals more efficiently because their units aren?t stuck making buildings, and because they colonize more quickly.
The Protoss are more entertaining because you win with them, allowing you to trash talk, which is funny and repeatable. The sayings also make you stop paying attention and lose, which sucks.
Nukes are nice, maybe, but they?re TREMENDOUSLY outweighed, and are available through Mind Control, anyway.
Terrans are the sexist race. Terrans, reliant on (porous) defense and fleeing buildings, are the wimps. Terrans actively suppress dissent among the soldiers. Terrans suck.
Do you love me? Then admit your failings as a Terran, and join with the Protoss. Vote opp.
Boy, I just sort of trail off at one point, don’t I. I chalk it up to pressure from one of the judges to put ideas into practice.
For my PMR, I have decided to do a performative dance.
But first, two points.
One, is it fair to dance the dance of debate rebuttal at this late stage of the round?
Yes! First of all, the kids in Listen to Me gave their plan in the 2AR, and the Supreme Court voted for them over Harvard! Who are we to question the Supreme Court’s judgment? Furthermore, I will explain the debate meaning behind the dance, so it will function pretty much like any other argument, only with twirling, kicking, and pointing.
Second, what is the deep meaning of these motions?
The dancer represents the mighty Terran warriors and their approach to the fight. They may not have fancy moves, like the Protoss psychic abilities. You may even find them a little pathetic, like the low hit points on basic Terran fighters. But they will keep going, well beyond the expectations of the other players (signified by the clapping and accompaniment) until resistance is futile.
The men shown in closeup represent the lame Protoss, who are party poopers who prefer to steal other guys’ souls instead of clapping along and fighting for real. They are also secretly jealous of Terran values and bravery (the dancer’s un-self-consciousness).
The differently costumed women address the intricate gender issues in this round- specifically how the Terrans have a variety of roles for women, as opposed to the Protoss, who put one female on a pedestal as a way of justifying keeping all others out of combat. (btw, the Valkyrie fighter jet is NOT a support role. And my grandpa was a medic in WWII, and it is a very honorable job- why does Dan hate my grandpa?)
The various body motions show the power of the Terran fight- arm motions for its diverse offense, leg motions for its literally “kick-ass” defense. The fluidity of motion show how these elements combine to making the Terran-playing experience a stellar one. And every time the dancer points, I want you to remember- nuking aliens. (which WOULD be cool in the real world, Daniel.) Nuking aliens is rad.
Finally, don’t forget Dan dropped my trendy mentioning of five random philosophers. In a real debate, that’s a clear gov win.
I cede the rest of my time to:
Round complete and submitted to judges for adjudication. Judges, please check your PM box and reply before submitting ballots.
Dude, it’s not like you have to (or should) write a REAL ballot for this round. Roll one of Catbert’s mondo dice or something.
Thanks for not teaching me any more cuss terms… like “f-me up the goat ass” (you haven’t lived until you hear that from upstairs, in Astley’s voice…).
Awsome round… great humor – even if I don’t get most of it…