[list]Folks, I?ll be honest with you. My opponents seem to be offering a lot of gimmicks in order to win your affection. Some of them are rapping, others are displaying images of kittens, and still others are attempting to use zombies to gather your votes. The problem?s that, after being at a place like Stanford for as long as I have, I?ve been utterly sucked of all social abilities. You see, being surrounded by such a brainy populous, that just continually discusses philosophy during faculty dinners, takes its toll on one?s creative thought processes. That, coupled with the fact that dating is nonexistent on campus?you practically have to marry a Stanford girl to kiss her?has left me as a boring blob of thought matter. So, I won?t offer you any gimmicks[/list]
[list]No, no gimmicks at all.[/list]
[size=7]FREE DRINKS, TOO![/size]
[list]I?ll just defeat my opponents with sound, logical arguments, as always.
But, first, let?s see what you?ll get for voting me #1. I previously promised free drinks at NPDA or any other tournament to each person that ranked me #1. But there was something else that I didn?t tell you, for fear of another player hijacking the idea.[/list]
[list]If you want your free drink, it would do you well to get your NB friends to come and vote for me as #1. Not only will they also get free drinks, but they?ll help to secure your drink by helping to ensure my victory. But to sweeten the deal further, I?ll give you a dollar for every eligible voter that you refer. Just have the person you referred send me a PM, telling me that they were referred by [you]. Give me your mailing address, and I?ll send all the money you earned to you immediately after confirmation of my victory. Pretty easy, huh? So, now?s your opportunity to profit by having friends dig up accounts that they used once and never signed in again. (Remind them that they must rank all 7 competitors and give an RFD for each. No ties allowed.)
There?s no limitation to my kindness, and you can get as much money as you like from this offer. I might even consider changing my name to Arthur Fortune, so you can form a conga line behind me and start chanting, ?We love Arthur Fortune! He gave us a dollar!? (Yes, that was a shameless Simpson?s reference). And don?t forget that someone is guaranteed to receive my DebateWear article of clothing by raffle.
Furthermore, I encourage you to remember that I?m giving away all my DVDs to upstart parli programs. Dan tries to maliciously rip these DVDs out of the hands of these young minds by saying they can be obtained by other means, but my question for you is: why? If we?re so close to getting them right now, why not just seal the deal?[/list]
Okay. Let?s respond to my opponent?s claims, and reaffirm why your vote lands with me. First, I?m going to respond to some positions that multiple opponents posited, and then I?m going to respond to individual claims:
?I eliminated Ian and Marie!?
[list]Guys, please. Do you really expect us to buy this? The only reason why Ian and Marie were eliminated was because they didn?t show for their debate rounds. It seems like you?re just desperate to point to success somewhere, and so you?re pointing to this.
With that said, I?m going to go out on a limb and say that if Ian and Marie chose to debate their rounds, they?d probably be here in finals with us. Their debate record speaks for itself, as does their politicking. They made it through NPDA only dropping one ballot (in sems, to Berkeley), and were the toughest competition in Survivor II, taking 1st and 3rd place.
So, please don?t try to claim that you were responsible for their elimination. It?s a silly argument to make, and an impossible one to prove.[/list]
?I?m such a great politician!?
[list]Right up top, I?d like to mention something that my opponents have failed to reconcile: I?ve played this game better than all of them combined.
In response to their claims that they?ve politicked well?:bs. The fact of the matter?s that I?ve had the vast majority of the finalists in my pocket at various points in the game. Dre, jEd, Dan, and Alan were all allied with me. Strong correlation, huh? There are only two people who made it here without my direct assistance: Jenny and Pat. Quite frankly, though, they only made it here because they mindlessly followed the directions of Ian and Marie (fine politicians that they are).[/list]
?Oh, man! I debated so much/well!?
[list]Remember that no one here has debated more than me except jEd and Dan. Furthermore, no one?s been as ballsy as me in debates. I put myself at intentional ground disadvantages twice: first, having to defend exemptions to antitrust acts, and, second, having to defend the abolishment of marriage. And I always came out successful.[/list]
?I have a cute kitten!?
[list]Quite frankly, I found kittens being held hostage in these people?s basements. Here are some pictures:
Fortunately, I swung by just in time to rescue them. If you?re going to vote for anyone on kittens, vote for the man who rescues them?and not for the people that kept them hostage. I make kittens happy!
?I?m a zombie/zombies support me!?
[list]Dude, have you ever wondered why zombies are always walking slowly at you, moaning, with their arms held out in front of them? Have you ever wondered why those same zombies just chase you and chase you, even as you run and scream?
Well, as the primary liaison between the living and undead, I can tell you that it?s because they?re getting upset by all this de-undead-izing. Your exploitation of zombies for the sake of votes is upsetting them. They?ve also reported instances of several candidates here in finals firing rifles at them.
Will you never learn? They?ll just keep chasing after you even after you shoot them. Even if there?s nothing left but an arm, it?ll still crawl after you, using its fingers as legs.
(realistic-looking arm there…)[/list]
Okay. Individual claims:
[list]I think that you yourself said it best when you wrote, ?Oh, you don’t remember me.?[/list]
[list]It?s already been pointed out numerous times that there?s no substance, nor reason to vote for you, in your ads, amusing as they may be. But:
[list=1][*]You?ve never been an individual, and
[*]I?m the only candidate to travel east-to-west, south-to-north and back again during the course of the game, making my way from Cali to Colorado to Georgia to Colorado to Cali to Washington to Alaska to Washington to Cali. All the while, actively instructing at debate institutes. I?ve lived in nine different homes along the way ? no one has been more loyal to the game than I.[/list=1][/list]
[list]As I read your first speech, one word sprung to mind: hyperbole. Everything you claim is a gross exaggeration of the truth. You claim that you ?pulled off something that hasn?t happened in two years,? but all you really did was won a few debate rounds. Please, people here do that all the time. It?s not that big a deal.
But then I read your second speech, and I was shocked that anyone?much less you?would be so belligerent. Just so everyone is aware, prior to posting, I sent Dan and Dre both PMs, saying that I didn?t want this to devolve into a flame war. I can?t say as I was too shocked when it did, though, as I think they both feel somewhat threatened. So, I told them that I carefully calculated the situation, and decided that I would have to respond in kind (fight flames with flame, as it were), lest I look weak in the eyes of the public. If you?re going to vote against someone for ?being kind of an ass,? vote against the people who started the flame war, and forced me to respond as I did.
As for Dan’s other claims?
First he tries to claim that Andrea never rode in on his back, but this is killed by the facts. As Dan and I were in the grassroots of creating the alliance he now boasts so strongly about, I asked him how we should set up its hierarchy. He unequivocally told me that he wanted Andrea to come first, and I granted it?knowing that, with time, it would be easy to off Dan due to the large political support against him, and knowing that Dre would follow once he was gone.
But I really didn?t need to tell you this. All you needed to do is look to Dan?s last speech, and see how he?s still defending her?indeed, the first claim of mine that he attacked, was the one against her. Note that no other person in finals except for Dre is accepting this kind of help.
Finally, Dan puts two attacks on me:
[list=1]That I misremembered the cash prize, and that it?s $50. Fine. You caught me. Whoop-di-doo. But I misremembered because I?m the only candidate that doesn?t wish to keep the prize, but, rather, give it away to the people who supported me.
He then says I only won because I rigged a round. First: :bs. Second, if you don?t believe that I won the round, I encourage you to look for yourself: do you really think I lost when my opponent dropped a kritik with bigger impacts than anything else in the round? Errr?This one?s a no-brainer, Dan. And, finally, I?d like to point out that I find it infinitely amusing that?in his first speech, Dan accuses me of not really playing the game?but in his second speech, I?m this big bad meany-head who rigs debate rounds and kills the competition that get in my way.
Okay, Dan, you managed to catch me again. I played the game, and I?m not sorry for that. It?s explicitly written into the rules that politicking and betrayal is encouraged. Don?t hate because I played better.[/list=1][/list]
[list]You don?t give a lot of reasons why you deserves to win. All you say is that 1. you?re hot, 2. you?re creative, and 3. you can rhyme. Great, great, and great. The fact of the matter?s that I am and can do all of these things as well, but have chosen not to because that?s not what the game is about. I?m the only one of the seven candidates who has played this game, and for that I deserve to win.
Finally, she asks us to rely on Dan?s analysis for her. But this just shows how she?s piggybacking on him, and how she hasn?t really offered us anything to vote for her on.[/list]
Alan and Pat
[list]I don?t need to spend a lot of time here, either. Your highlighting of your undying servitude of Marie does all I need to back my original claim that you never played the game for yourselves.[/list]
Let me give you a little analysis here: If you?re voting for what?s good for parli debate future, your vote is with me because I will use my prizes to promote our event. If you?re voting for the best politician, your vote lands with me because I?m the only one who?s played the game. If you?re voting for quality of posts, your vote will go to either jEd or myself, as we were the only two to receive kudos for our posts in the Catfight Audience thread. If you?re voting out of self-interests, your vote still lies with me, as I?m the only candidate that?s promised to give you cash, drinks, and clothing. But no matter which criterion you use to vote, it seems the decision is pretty clear: Vote Vassar
All right. Let’s light this candle! Open the ballot box!
Much love from Stanford?s NPDA captain! [you] rules!